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7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won’t Do

7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won't Do

3…2….1! Happy New Year! And surprise, I’m still the antisocial, brooding writer I was last year! However, there is a magical quality in ringing in the New Year. It excites people: the mixture of starting fresh while having an entire year ahead to move closer toward goals. While there’s a focus on what we WILL do, there’s little on what we won’t. So while others are developing elaborate plans and sharing lofty ideas with others, the realist in me will give you some much-needed laughs with 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won’t Do.

Change is inevitable and sometimes welcomed, but for the most part, we are creatures of habit. And while we don’t always have a method to our madness, there is something about familiarity in our routines that brings us peace– despite it leaving more work for us overall.

These humorous resolutions are sure to put a smile on your face, especially for the moms out there! Here are 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won’t Do.

7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won’t Do

1. Organize Email

Organize Email | 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won't Do

Now this applies explicitly to my burner email. Of course, we all know the one. It’s full of coupons from businesses we went to once and only signed up for email to get 20% off. It also houses a spam folder full of messages promising us the cure for erectile dysfunction.

I won’t tell you the exact number of emails I’ve amassed in my burner inbox (mainly because it changes by the second), but it is beyond the triple digits.

So if you’re anything like me, release all expectations of fixing this chaos. It’s easier to get a new email, name, job, and home across the country while you’re at it. Leave that email so far behind that you forget it ever existed. At least until you realize Bath and Body Works is sending you another coupon. Their 3-wick candles are only on sale so often!

2. Care About Physical Appearance

Care About Physical Appearance | 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won't Do

Something about the mixture of stains on my Halloween sweatshirt I’ve been wearing throughout December screams, “I have a toddler, and this is the best we can do.” Not to say that letting personal hygiene slip is indicative of parenting, but if I can lean into not putting effort into something unimportant to me, Imma do it.

Sure I may get some inquisitive looks out in public, but it will not end my day. As a married person, I care less and less as the years go on, especially now that I’m a mom.

So I’ll continue my current trend of only wearing sweatshirts and ripped jeans. This lack of effort includes ever drying my hair with any styling tool or product.

Ever Heard of Styling Gel | Zoolander
Yes, a Zoolander reference because this film still holds up.

3. Socialize More

Socialize More | 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won't Do

Sure I could tear myself forcefully and violently from my home as a demon pulling an unsuspecting victim under a bed, but it ends in the same way: in terror and screams.

As a mom, you tend to not see friends for months or even years at a time. You send some funny TikTok thing back and forth or send a quick text when you see something that reminds you of a fun time back in 2013 when you were carefree and had what seemed all the time in the world.

But now it’s 2023, and I’m tired, spread thin, and have plenty of entertainment from the comfort of my home. So, I will continue to be social from a distance!

4. Read That Book I Never Finish

Read That Book I Never Finish

There is a book on everyone’s bookshelf hidden behind numerous newer titles. This is the book you picked up because the cover art was terrific or because, for a hot minute, you were really into the classics. But, unfortunately, whatever drew you to pick that book up, no longer calls to you.

In the New Year, I’m sure I’ll be on the lookout for many new titles, despite that book sitting on my bookshelf with a bookmark cemented only a few pages in. So I’m vehemently stating I am not finishing Dune anytime soon…I’ll likely have seen the entire movie franchise several thousand times before feeling a burning desire to pick the novel up again.

Hopefully, Timothee Chalamet and Zendaya will suffice in telling me everything I’m missing…

5. Remember Laundry

Remember Laundry | 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won't Do

Hell, if Martha Stewart devoted a whole article to it, it’s clearly not just a ME problem.

Why remember to do something that will save you time later? My house wouldn’t feel the same if I kept my laundry running smoothly and consistently. I need to roll my eyes upon realizing I’ve left clothes in the washer overnight.

How else would mini-dramas be available for my entertainment throughout the day? I’m not a soap opera girl, so this kind of back-and-forth will sustain my need for adversity.

6. Drink Less Caffeine

Drink Less Caffeine | 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won't Do

Coffee is my lifeblood, coursing through my veins and propelling me to new and inexplicable feats. Even if those feats are simply entertaining a toddler currently fascinated with all the water-producing appliances in my house.

So sorry, 2023, but I won’t be cutting back on the imbibement that sustains me. For those who drink a pot of coffee a day, I can see wanting to scale it back. But for me, my little two cups are ok and provide timeouts throughout my day to savor moments just for me.

7. Stick to an Errand & House Chore Schedule

Stick to a Chore & Errand Schedule

Would life be as thrilling if I didn’t have to realize I’m missing some crucial item in the running of my house and go out in a panic to get it? I like keeping myself on my toes!

I wouldn’t be my authentic self if I wasn’t surprised when running out of some essential thing I need within the next day or so. This is one old habit I’ll keep into the new year, mainly because it’s an area I won’t put additional energy into.

Granted, I love a schedule in other areas of my life, but not for running my home. One of those areas is self-care.

I like having self-care scheduled; otherwise, I would grasp at straws trying to think of ideas. The busier my life becomes, the less time I have to formulate creative ways of indulging. Particularly during my burnout years, I barely had space for my daily schedule in my head, let alone a self-care plan.

With this in mind, I wanted to make implementing a self-care routine easier for my readers. So, if you sign up for my email list, you’ll get a free January 2023 self-care calendar with super cute graphics. And if you haven’t checked out my post Go From Procrastinator to Self Care Planner, take a look!

And those are the 7 Funny New Years Resolutions I Won’t Do!

There are so many things I won’t be changing moving into the new year, but also a few that I will be. New Years resolutions are a great way to implement the change you’re seeking but remember to appreciate who you are already, flaws and all.

I hope these funny New Years resolutions lifted your spirits and maybe even put some things into perspective. One of my real New Years resolutions is to write more, specifically working on writing a new novel.

What are some resolutions you’re thinking of making for the new year? I’d love to know, so feel free to email me or drop a comment.

May your 2023 be filled with laughter! Happy New Year, everyone!


  1. January 3, 2023 / 10:19 am

    Seriously the best list of resolutions I have seen for 2023 and the way you packaged it is absolutely hilarious! We shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously and you helped us realize that 🙂

  2. January 3, 2023 / 11:41 am

    I love this! We put so much pressure on making resolutions in the new year and forcing ourselves to stick to them, but I’m a firm believer in doing the opposite😂

  3. January 3, 2023 / 1:18 pm

    Entertaining list and many points other busy moms will agree upon I’m sure.

  4. Carly
    January 12, 2023 / 10:52 am

    Love it! Definitely the coffee one is for me! How could I slow down???

  5. Jessica Kiarashi
    February 2, 2023 / 5:58 pm

    This is great! So funny!

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